Arthur Brooks says “happiness is a direction, not a destination.”
And he should know.
Brooks is a professor at the Harvard Business School, where he teaches students about leadership and happiness. He’s a columnist for The Atlantic and has written more than a dozen books, including his new release, with co-author Oprah Winfrey (you may have heard of her), “Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier.”
He says happiness isn’t a feeling; feelings are the evidence of happiness. “You can really start to manage your happiness when you understand that it’s something more tangible than feelings.”
One thing became clear in just a few minutes of talking with the social scientist: He believes that happiness isn’t something that happens to us. He says his research shows that it’s something we can build a road map for and take control of.
And get rid of those lists in your mind of all the things you wish you had.
Brooks says bucket lists are the worst for two reasons: They make you feel bad for not having those things to begin with, and they lead you to believe, falsely, that those material items will bring you meaningful satisfaction.
One thing that will bring you that satisfaction? Making yourself small.
“The problem is we make ourselves huge all the time…and it’s so boring,” Brooks says.
“I need to zoom out. Maybe that’s studying the stoic philosophers. Maybe that’s meditation practice, maybe that’s walking in nature without devices before dawn, and maybe that’s the religion of my youth. But we need something, and we’ve got to do it every single day.”
And for anyone who thinks this is all just “happy talk”? Brooks has the science to back it up.
He says he likes to show his classes the brain scans of people in love compared to those of people addicted to methamphetamines.
“They can’t tell the difference,” Brooks says.
He’s not saying any of this is easy. Brooks believes that modern technology has made it harder for many people to make new friends or maintain their existing relationships with meaningful interaction.
“We’ll go to social media, which is kind of the ‘burgers and fries’ of social life — fills you up but doesn’t give you any nutrition — and we look for more solutions like that.”
He says the answer is simple: more real, human one-on-one interactions.
“Don’t settle for Zoom. Don’t settle for the social media.”
Brooks says the secret to more happiness in the dating world: Stop looking for people who are the same as you. He cited a study that showed that people are actually less attracted to their potential partners on dating apps — when they have an enormous pool of potential partners.
He says that’s because people put together their dating profiles so that they’ll attract people who are similar to them — and when it comes down to it, we aren’t as attracted to a carbon copy of ourselves.
“We need real diversity,” Brooks says. “This is what we crave.”
For those people who may not want to dive into the particulars, Brooks noted that, in the end, the question of happiness is very simple.
“Happiness is love, full stop.”
Elliot Metz
Elliot Metz is a producer on "The 11th Hour with Stephanie Ruhle."